Man in a bottle

People sometimes ask: How did you get the man into the bottle?

Well...I shouldn't really tell, but...ok...we don't put the man into bottle! He's born there. It's a bit like test-tube babies, innit? We put the sperm and the egg in the bottle, and wait for nature to take its course. Obviously we can't just keep the bottle on the shelf. It has right...heat, temperature. Or the eggs don't work. It's an art...I consider myself a craftsman, really. Yeah, I know it's only a hobby, but so what? It's still art.

Anyway, once the kid is born, we just drop food and water into the bottle. It's simple, really, when you think of it. No great mystery. We hose the bottle down every so often...well, I don't really ever do that myself - I leave that for the missus. Got to keep the bottle clean, 'specially when they're young. Infections. Oh yes...I've lost a few to infections. Bloody waste.

So the food goes in...and - I'm a step ahead of you - I know what you're thinking! What happens to the waste? The shit...and all that. Well, we just hoover it up. In the old days, with stand-up hoovers, it was a bloody pain. But now it's all simple: bung the end of the vacuum into the bottle and suck it all up. Simple. Easy as eggs.

People say it's inhumane, but the Chinese have been doing it for centuries? If it's so fuckin' cruel...(pardon my French) why haven't they stopped it. Nah. It's need a hobby nowadays or you'll go mad.

Anyway, mate. Nice to see you. Yeah, give my love to Cheryl...take care, mate. We've got to do it again sometime.