And why not?

There are certain universal truths in life. For example the distance between Shane Ritchie and Christina Ricci is always 2500 miles. So, if Christina comes to the UK for promotional work, Shane often finds himself displaced somewhere into the mid-atlantic. Similarly, if Shane visits the USA, Christina is obliged to move to Nicaragua. Where I visit her and we play Rummicub together. She is a lovely girl - she shares my birthday.

And don't get me started about betting shops. Betting shops are strange places where time stands still: Alan Shearer still has a full head of hair and plays for Blackburn Rovers, Ian Wright plays for Arsenal and has a Bobby Brown hairdo and Steven Hendry is the pockmarked 17 year-old world Snooker champion. Nothing matters in betting shops except betting. Is that good? I suppose it must be. The only good thing about betting shops is that you can smoke. And use the loo.

Facts and statistics can mean anything, but they rarely do. Men need statistics far more than women. As Angela Carter once told me: "Men think in metres, women are the feared other than will unravel your mind with baroque images of the subversion of order." I think she was drunk at the time. Lovely woman - although she doesn't share my birthday.

A dog trapped in a lightbulb always looks pretty tragic. I've never liked the circus, and this isn't going to change my mind. Ho hum. It's back to the cabaret circuit for me.