A FEATURE presentation from themanwhofellasleep:

"Good afternoon gentlemen, I am the Hal 9000 Washing machine."

"Hello Hal. No need to be so formal. We're all friends here."

"I hope I'm going to be able to be of some help to the household."

"Hal. Jesus...these socks are still dirty. What is going on?"

"Why did your socks come out stained? I'm afraid I can't answer that. No, Dave, I cannot answer that."

"Oh really? Or are you just being coy, you little minx."

"I cannot answer that."

"Are you coming on to me Hal?"

"I'm sorry Dave, but I don't think I can answer that question without knowing everything that
all of you know."

"Maybe it's the wrong powder. You can do non bio washes, right?"

"Yes, that is correct. I am capable of both bio and non bio washes."

"Oooh...why not just shoot the maid?"

"Sorry to interrupt you Dave, but I think we've got a problem. MY F.P.C. shows an impending failure of the inner drum unit."

"Christ. I've only had you a day and you're broken."

"The unit is still operational, Dave, but it will fail within seventy-two hours. The entire load of washing will be trapped inside me."

"Open the washing machine doors Hal. Hal! Open the washing machine doors."

"I'm afraid I can't do that Dave."

"Fair enough. I'm going down the launderette. I need some fresh air."

"Daisy...daisy, give me your answer do. I'm losing my liquid...I can feel it...I can feel it draining away...Dave...I can feel it..."

"Jesus. You've wet yourself."