For many years the Periodic Table has been regarded as totally useless. This page confirms this.

However, uselessness does not preclude beauty.



With an atomic number of 100, you are popular with friends and enemies alike. You find yourself performing for crowds, even when you are not meant to be showing off. You are intelligent, but your chemical properties are largely unknown. Scientists have worked for years on the isolation of Fermium, yet you feel lonely enough as it is. You sometimes find it difficult to relate to other metals, and wonder if you might be an alloy and that your parents aren't really your parents. You cry at sunsets and when watching old reruns of 'The Golden Girls'.


Ah gold, gold, precious gold. You elude me, you escape me, you avoid me. You have been lusted after for centuries but remain unmoved. You worry that you are surrounded by insincere sycophants. You are the most malleable and ductile metal, but you sometimes fear that you have no true moral centre. You have a throaty laugh and have enjoyed relations with both men and women. Your eyes twinkle in the darkness, ever alluring, ever vulgar. You are unhappy.


To strangers you appear lustrous or metallic, with a greyish tinge, but with close acquaintances you are open and vivacious, always the life and soul of the party. You have recently been disappointed by a man from abroad, but do not worry: he will not bring your atomic weight below 55.845 (2). Despite being a relatively abundant element in the universe, you never fear that you are taken for granted, however now might be a good time to remind friends and family about your true worth. It will rain all year. You will not rust, but you may get wet.


Krypton, you appear as a colourless gas at 298 K, but despite this, your colourful personality and lively wit will win you many admirers this week. You will have a brief flirtation with fame, but is everything as it initially appears? Beware the Ides of March - all through the year. There may be moments when you are tempted to settle down with someone you don't truly love. Remember: Solid krypton is a white crystalline substance with a face-centered cubic structure, not anyone's second-choice date. Be true to yourself. Wash behind your ears. Stand up straight, for god's sake.


With your silvery white appearance, you are sometimes thought of as older than you actually are, but you definitely know how to have a good time, so show the world that you are ready to party! When you're feeling shy and quiet remind yourself that you are mixed (alloyed) with aluminium and magnesium for lightweight alloys. This week dogs may chase you for hours, with a strange single-mindedness that scares you. You will hear from an uncle that you haven't spoken to in years. He will mistakenly call you Helium, but remain polite.


This week keep your eyes open for new employment opportunities. In particular, remember not to sell yourself short by making any self-deprecating remarks. You may be the eighth most abundant element in the earth's crust but you are not so often found in your elemental form. You may be jeered at in the street by drunk Aston Villa fans, but this is nothing to be ashamed of. You may find yourself thinking about an old relationship, but you need to stay positive about the future. Never forget that you readily burn with a dazzling white flame.


People often forget that your chemical symbol is K, and fumble about, mistakenly calling you PM - don't let this dent your confidence: now is the time for you to spread your wings and soar. You know you will sometimes rub people up the wrong way as you are one of the most reactive and electropositive of metals, but don't let this stop you making decisions. Be bold! Now is a good time for joining a youth club or booking an exotic holiday. You must conquer your fear of fruit and fruit-flies.


Your atomic number of 45 will be called into question this week, possibly by the young man at the deli counter, who will insist that other customers are served before you. Because of your robust exterior, partners sometimes think of you as callous or unfeeling, but remember your high reflectance - still waters run deep. Stick to your beliefs, but pay attention to any advice you might hear. You should be spending more quality time with your family, in particular relatives you have not seen for a long time, such as your Chloride RhCl3 or some Fluorides.


Despite your extravagant name, you are a modest individual who quietly measures each spoon of sugar when you are drinking tea. In the quiet moments between adverts you sometimes think you are going insane - you can hear a constant buzzing like a thousand hornets in your brain. In your fevered, nightmare moments you suspect everyone of being a Communist spy. Basically, you are a synthetic element that is not present in the environment at all. You have no uses. You are not art.


Because of your reputation for turning up in women's breasts, people think of you as a shallow hedonist, but now is a time for reminding those around you of your presence in important microchips. You should be taking better care of your body and maybe think of joining a gym - you might not always have a weight of 28.0855 (3)!!! Your self-esteem has taken a battering recently, and that gang of kids outside Burger King hardly helped. Kids can be so cruel. Don't let anyone make you feel like a freak: you are present in the sun and stars and are a principal component of a class of meteorites known as aerolites. Smile.


Silver, silver, silver. Always second-best. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. But cheer up. Remember: Ivan Lendl never won Wimbledon and Jimmy White was never world Snooker champion! Stop setting yourself impossible targets and then punishing yourself for failing. This week you will be surprised by a group of friends who want to show you how much they appreciate you. You will fall out of love with Gold, but will feel better for the experience. You will watch the whole of 'Heidi' on video.


This week you will be coerced by your partner into having a haircut. You will suffer in silence, despite your reluctance. You are angry that people consider you 'inert' or 'noble'. You have many dreams and ambitions, but are unsure of how to articulate them. You will trip over a homeless man on the way to work and spill scalding coffee down your trousers. After a shower, you will go down the pub, where you will drunkenly try to chat to the barmaid that looks a bit like a bustier version of Tracy Thorn from Everything but the Girl. You are present in the Martian atmosphere to the extent of about 0.08 ppm.