People often ask me about my life of fame and my life of fruit. Do my two lives run together in harmony?

The answer is yes, because fruit and fame are very similar. Here are some famous people named after fruit: Jason Orange, Fiona Apple, Jack Lemmon, Eve Plum, Yvonne Banana.

All this tittle-tattle about les fruits brings me on to my main theme: The Man from Del Monte. He always said yes.

I mean, I understand that he wanted to give postive feedback, but frankly, if I was a Del Monte executive, I'd worry that I had hired a yes man. I think that he should engage his critical faculties a little more seriously - I mean, he's gives the orange a cursory glance, and then just accepts that all the oranges are going to be up to the high Del Monte standard.

The orange-growers must rub their filthy foreign hands with glee when they see him coming. I mean, never mind the fact that their crop is stunted or rotten, all they have to do is hand Señor Del Monte a recently purchased orange, fresh from the shelves of El Corte Inglés and he'll make them all rich men.

If I were in charge of Del Monte, I would send a bitter old cynic out with the man from Del Monte, so that they could team up for the old good cop/back cop routine. While 'the man' smiled beatifically and happily squeezed his fruit, his sidekick could beat the peasants with a stick and berate their daughters for no longer being pure.

We need more sticks, and less carrots. But the carrot is a vegetable, and I speak only of fruit.

Goodbye, my little ones. Papa isn't coming back.