HELLO MATES!

Are you a white male between the age of 18 and 30? (please note: actual average readership age is 16) Do you worry that the world is full of overpowering contradictions and ambiguities? Would you prefer to retreat into a fantasy world in which everything is ok and women are all whores spreading their legs for your pleasure? Then STUD is the magazine for you!

Don't worry if you find women threatening. We can take their indefineable "otherness" and reduce it to a pair of tits and a pert arse! All your problems solved. They all want it!

And don't fear! We won't be including truly beautiful women in this mag, only the pretty but plain stars of Hollyoaks and simpering girlband members in their underwear! And they'll all give the impression that what they REALLY want to do is have sex with spotty young men who talk to them about football!!

This magazine is also perfect if you have doubts about your sexuality. Rather than exploring your vast, indefinable libido, you can pretend that all you really want to do is have a series of one-night stands with big-titted minor celebrities! But don't worry if you ARE secretly gay: there'll be plenty of rogiush banter about penis size that borders on the homoerotic.

If you're not sure what path to follow in life, then remember our credo: Be a MAN - drink beer, shag women and watch the footie. It doesn't matter if you don't really like doing any of those things, the most important thing is to suppress your true feelings and conform to society's expectations!

There's nothing in life so beautiful or important that it can't be reduced to a laddish catcall of innuendo and sneers.

Remember: it's only a bit of fun, you big poof.

ROBUST CORNWALL, editor