2. Can you get some new razors? They are supposed to be disposable, you know?

3. They were one of those crap bands that sounded like Pearl Jam, even though they came from Berkshire.

4. I like her and she likes me, but it's like the relationship is a seperate entity.

5. They kept going on about the Toon Army and I thought it was rather tasteless, given the news.

6. You're tired. I am tired. We're all tired. Let's call it a day.

7. When I am a spy, I shall call myself Horst Gingold.

8. Another Christmas like that and I am moving to Iraq.

9. I can fit my whole fist inside.

10. You want another Stella?

2. I can stand the cold... it's the fact that it's dark at 4pm that does my head in.

3. Have you seen Neil Mellor? It's like they've cloned Steven Gerrard.

4. Becca worked in a hospital. She said she saw stuff there that put her off being a lesbian for life.

5. I do not understand why English people like pantomime. To me, it is just... stupid.

6. The parents and teachers were all singing one song, and little Nathan was singing another song, at the top of his voice.

7. Honestly, for the first half an hour I thought she was a transvestite.

8. Bob Monkhouse was ok. I can even stomach Des O'Connor... but Bruce Forsyth just makes my skin crawl.

9. I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas.

10. That bloke from Little Britain was in a club in Camden last week. Not the fat, bald one. The other one.

2. He plays beginners. Ninety percent of them he beats with Scholar's Mate in 10 moves.

3. Can you repeat that? I never get tired of hearing it.

4. You tie the goat to the van, and then you drive the van very slowly uphill.

5. I got chocolate money, but it was Euros.... I felt very modern.

6. I've felt quite low since Derrida died... there doesn't seem much point in anything.

7. Shane McGowan and Alex Higgins are slowly becoming the same person.

8. You've got something on your chin. I think it's garlic sauce.

9. I took paracetamol. Then aspirin. Then ibuprofen. But I feel worse than ever.

10. She has really musty curtains.

2. He's weird. At Halloween he dressed up as the Littlest Hobo.

3. You're kidding? There's no way he's going to marry her. She's been engaged about eight times.

4. I couldn't give a flying fuck about celebrity butlers.

5. He went to casualty, yeah? With a bad nosebleed? From drinking? I don't think so.

6. It's a good game. You get to shoot innocent bystanders.

7. When Jenny had a bad haircut, she wouldn't leave the house for a week.

8. I have a splitting headache and when I close my eyes I can see Lee from Blue.

9. How they gonna have the Olympics here if they can't even get a train to run on time?

10. He spent an hour explaining why Apocalypse Now was so important. I'd rather have just watched the film.

2. I can't feel my hands.

3. It's Hollywood Green. Do you get it? Like Hollywood... and Wood Green.

4. Have you made sure that Chrissy can't find the medicine bottle?

5. It wasn't a wasp. It was a hornet. It's quite different.

6. Adam Green? He's basically Jonathan Richman, isn't he?

7. I... really... don't want to die underground.

8. You spend all day stuffing envelopes for refugees. It's not a great job.

9. David Blunkett's lost a bit of weight. He actually looks pretty good if you ignore his eyes.

10. There's nothing wrong with buying from H&M as long as you throw in some glamourous bits from other shops.

2. None of them are celebrities. They are just idiots. I hate them.

3. Go to Tottenham Hale. From there you can get the Stansted Express.

4. That Ice Cube song is really old. Why is it suddenly a big hit?

5. I always lose socks and slippers. It doesn't matter how many I buy... they all disappear.

6. Charlotte Roche is a babe. And she knows her music.

7. Don't wear a baseball cap. You'll look like one of those dads who tries to be cool. Or a Tory MP.

8. It's a cheesecake, but it has strawberries or cherries on top. It's lush.

9. I know it's silly, but Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole are a pretty sexy couple.

2. Thankfully there's no level crossings on the tube.

3. Why not try taking the pill with your food, instead of afterwards? It worked for me.

4. I was actually born in Harpenden. But I got out of there pretty fast.

5. I've spent so many years being other people - I have forgotten how to be myself.

6. I'll tell you something... she's not quite as nice as everyone seems to think.

7. He was pretending to play with the phone, but he was obviously trying to photograph me.

8. Everything had that Patrick Caulfield pop art feel to it.

9. Go to sleep. I'll wake you when it's time to get off.

2. I have no distractions anymore.

3. This body is just my passport in the mortal realm. It is not me.

4. Apparently, all the koalas in Australia have chlamydia.

5. My handwriting is awful; too much time on computers, I guess.

6. Yeah, sure... he's a musical icon, but is he actually any good?

7. Mmmm... she had the softest lips.

8. You're wrong. It's not great tragedy that kills us, it's everyday life.

9. It's all subs and doms and pigs and stuff.

2. I saw a poster for a missing cat called Oscar. They are offering £300 for his return.

3. Nah... we only drink in the evenings. It's not a problem.

4. You didn't realise? It's obvious. Aslan is Jesus backwards.

5. They showed this girl on crack. She was 25 but looked about 50.

6. I will not let a woman cut my hair.

7. It's gonna be tough for the Reds. Alonso is out. Gerrard is out. Cisse is out.

8. No one is going to vote for Kerry. Have you seen the size of his chin?!?

9. Tell her what you want. That girl believes anything.

2. You and me, we're not going anywhere, are we?

3. Sometimes I just want to shake her. To make her listen.

4. Meet you by Sock Shop, ok?

5. Horace is my narcoleptic teddybear.

6. In the past, Britain was full of white people. Now it's full of foreigners.

7. I am going to miss John Peel. He was great. He was great.

8. Nothing you say matters to me.

9. If you go to the newsagent, could you get me some Refreshers?

2. I once met Lloyd Cole. He had grown a beard and looked like Gary Bushell.

3. My God... there is nowhere in London you can get decent falafel.

4. I'm ripping down that poster. I fucking hate socialists.

5. We get up. We eat breakfast. We vomit. We go back to bed.

6. When the all planet are in alignment, the dark age will be ushered in, and the Spice Girls will reform.

7. That Bigley bloke went to Iraq to make money, despite being advised not to. So I don't have much sympathy.

8. You're really good at pool. For a girl, I mean.

9. I don't want Hotmail on my mobile phone.

2. I will never get married. My mother is a social hand grenade.

3. Everything I do depends on me getting a good night's sleep.

4. Nostalgia isn't enough.

5. She wants to be a life coach, but she's got such a screwed up life. Who'd listen to her?

6. It's a story within a story within a story. Like a Russian doll.

7. The problem with that place is everyone is too bloody English.

8. We went into that posh bar and had a raspberry beer. We were the only people there.

9. I can't believe the fuss they make over a woman wanking off a pig.

2. She's not quite ginger. She's got bits of blonde in there too.

3. We can get off soon. It's a sunny day, we may as well walk.

4. It's licorice, but instead of sugar, it's covered in salt.

5. Sharks are blind.

6. The debates are meaningless... everyone has already made up their minds.

7. I don't know what was on that pizza, but it's not chicken.

8. He only got the job because his name is Bana, like the Hulk.

9. This Turkish bloke kept on telling me that he was related to me, that we were brothers.

2. She told this joke about Little Bo Peep and he was like... that's not a joke, it's just a stupid rhyme.

3. If you look at Richard Attenborough in Brighton Rock... he's like a baked bean.

4. Sometimes I close my eyes and just pretend that I am dead.

5. It was that point in the evening where he got out the acoustic guitar.

6. Horrible. I stepped on a slug before at it burst.

7. For cabbies, the weekend is sacrosanct. It's when they make their money.

8. He was talking about Peter Kay but I kept thinking of Gordon Kaye from Allo' Allo'.

9. I swear it was that bloke off the Bill with the sideburns.

2. It's not like I said "Hello, you're fat, please sit in my seat and hog all the room," did I?

3. Are you coming to Shanice's? It will be fun. Please come.

4. He only shops at H&M. Everything he owns is beige or khaki.

5. French? Italian? I speak Italian.

6. Why do all pedos have lank hair and beards? You'd think they'd try to look normal.

7. I swear, she is an absolute fucking freak. Avoid.

8. He REALLY looks like Pete Steele from Type O Negative.

9. It's not a proper shed. It's more like a big Wendy house.

2. Ben Stiller has a moustache. That's it. That is the whole comedy basis of the film.

3. Ha! It's not as if he enjoys getting spanked, is it?

4. You love chavs.

5. We went to La Porchetta. The one on Upper Street... they have these shirts stuck in wax on the wall.

6. I just get sick of people who believe everything they read. They don't have opinions of their own.

7. That capuccino was tiny. They should have given you two.

8. You getting off here? Stay... we can get a chinese. If you want. I don't mind. It's up to you.

9. I don't know. They all look very aryan.

3. I feel terrible. I have to stop smoking. And drinking. And having sex.

4. It's a nice place. There's no swings but there's a big slide and some metal horses.

5. Who is that girl? She's like... twelve... and she's singing about relationships.

6. What you're doing is talking out of your arse.

7. Clive Owen is King Arthur. And Sid Owen is Lancelot.

8. Did the driver say something about Green Park? I can't hear a thing.

9. It's not an Indian summer. It's a typically rubbish English summer.

3. He looked like he was about to cry when I saw it on the news.

4. It’s not a white Kit Kat, it’s a lemon Kit Kat.

5. But I love photocopiers.

6. What is the post in Kazakhstan like?

7. There’s nothing worse than those white Ipod headphones

8. I just flicked a cup holder at Sara.

9. She has that Japanese print of a wave… it’s got to be the most popular poster ever.

3. I saw Frank and Laura. I was on the top deck of the bus and they couldn't see me.

4. Wanking horses?

5. It's got that "dang-a-nanga" guitar sound.

6. He's short and French. But otherwise unremarkable.

7. All the papers were acting like someone had died. It's just a race.

8. It's a litre of beer... It's definitely more than a pint.

9. I could list a hundred reasons why Walter Mosley is better than James Ellroy.

3. He has a weird face.

4. Amy Winehouse is cool... because she has a big mouth and she knows it.

5. It was amazing. Everyone there was a model or an actress.

6. No. It's classy. It's Von Dutch.

7. You doing anything this weekend? I'd be up for Soho.

8. Nah... it's strictly for guys who can't get a girlfriend.

9. He's my favourite director, but he hasn't done anything good since Fight Club.

3. Natasha Bedingfield is just Daniel Bedingfield with a wig. It's like Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson. They're the same person.

4. She has thighs... like muesli.

5. Andreas has a moustache now. He's becoming his dad.

6. He's like an arthouse director, but it's all basically porno stuff.

7. I could have loved Danny Murphy, but it wasn't to be.

8. Thank god for the rain. I was going crazy in that heat.

3. Are you joking? Because it's not funny.

4. There were all these questions about mobile phone etiquette. Who cares?

6. I bumped into her on the way to that Tamara de Lempicka show.

7. She has this gallery... and it's all pictures of her... with various religious celebrities.

8. I love that new picture of Britney. It makes her look so much more human.

3. I'll put it this way, everyone in hip hop knows what Dre and P Diddy are like...

4. The first bee sting doesn't kill you. It's the second sting that triggers the anaphalactyc shock.

6. It's jasmine... no... wait... it's sandalwood.

7. Yes I know him... he's about to marry my sister!

8. Winston. Clive. Leonard. Phillip. Leslie. No.

3. When the dog explodes... I swear... it's the funniest thing you'll ever see.

4. Eminem looks like he's got AIDS.

6. They all turned her down, but if it had been in private, they'd have all said yes. I am telling you.

7. It's 18 quid. My beautician and I have an arrangement.

8. There's no point continuing. You can guess why!

3. They are making a mistake. Crespo is better than Drogba. He just needs a regular start.

4. An acorn is not a proper nut.

6. You can't take part in an foxhunt and then complain afterwards that you didn't really want to do it.

7. Telford smells really bad.

8. Matt really looks like a bloke I knew in Leeds.... his name was Hodgeson... I can't remember his first name.

3. No trains. A points failure at Moorgate.

4. I have no fucking interest in how some fucking journalist conquered her alcoholism and made an article out of it.

6. It's a kind of terracota colour. It's almost pink but not quite. It's like rust.

7. The delays aren't because of the rain, but they use the rain as an excuse anyway.

8. My kids all know everything about Bowie and Bolan etc. I would die of shame if they couldn't sing along to the Pistols.

3. Every single bloody advert is about football... it drives me mad.

4. Nah man... he's not a secret agent... he works in Dixons!

6. Wicked wicked wickedest.

7. There's a birds nest in my boiler.

8. Show me what you're made of.

3. Toto was the dog. Dorothy was the girl.

4. I'm in the mood for spiritual ascension.

6. Dad, can you read me what it says in the paper?

7. That Beastie Boys album is good. They sound less white than they used to.

8. Houses with nice views are depressing because they make you think about life too much.

3. I've ordered enough free samples to do the whole bathroom.

4. It's not the full spectrum of ideas, but it's at least red to indigo.

6. Michaela is pregnant again. I can't remember a time when she hasn't been pregnant.

7. This weather is great. I put my laptop in the garden and do everything from there.

8. I swear... he has the hugest balls you'll ever see.

3. Shitting hell.

4. I use the old 'yoghurt pots and string' routine. Untraceable.

6. I left it on my car's backseat after spending £30 on it at Greenwich Market. The fucker melted in the heat.

7. Can you imagine a life without shoes?

8. He's gonna like this job - there's basically no client contact.

3. When people say "interesting" they actually mean "boring".

4. At the beginning of every season I am optimistic. And then in the first game we lose ot Birmingham or someone.

6. You're not ugly, you just have a funny bone structure.

7. I always forget to renew the prescription. I suppose that's part of the problem.

8. Ugghh... phlegm.

3. Seriously, I am never waxing again.

4. She said she wanted a facial. I said I'd give her one... she didn't think it was funny.

6. David Beckham wears white socks. Fuck me.

7. A pony is a cross between a horse and a deer.

8. You're not the weirdest person I know. I know Alan.

3. It's this book that explains how Mary wasn't Jesus's mum, she was his girlfriend and the Holy Grail is really the Messiah.

4. A Tasmanian estate agent is marrying the crown prince of Sweden - or is it Denmark?

6. Before he was gay, Elton John asked my mum to have sex with him.

7. Diagnosis Murder? Diagnosis fucking rubbish, more like.

8. Rosh Hashanah is a better festival than Glastonbury.

3. Stop that! It tickles!

4. A3 is twice as big as A4... the smaller the number, the bigger the paper.

6. Dan was on Blockbusters about ten years ago. He doesn't exactly advertise it.

7. I hate travelling on the tube with a suitcase.

8. You know about Shania Twain and the wooden leg? I thought it was only me and my mates.

3. There's an Arsenal in Argentina, an Everton in Chile and a Liverpool in Uruguay.

4. Are you sure you're meant to stick it up your arse?

6. Uma Thurman always looks like she's been punched in the face.

7. I never know what they mean by 'smart casual'.

8. It was the first time I've ever had a kebab sober... it wasn't nice.

3. Condaleeza Rice is a total MILF.

4. I spend all my time trying to neutralize the threat of women, and then I just get bored.

6. Brenda is convinced he's still alive.

7. I think that it's time for us to go our seperate ways.

8. The Velvet Undergound are like... Kenco... and the Strokes and Mellow Birds.

3. How can it be a guarantee if they charge you to fix it?

4. The Marathon seems to take place about every 3 months.

6. There's fit, unfit and then there's me.

7. I happen to like dandruff.

8. His trousers finished about a foot above his shoes. He had very smooth legs.

3. Piss is good for you.

4. Jeremy is the nicest bloke you could meet, but he is a bit posh.

6. I've got that Phil Collins song stuck in my head now.

7. Go on, then. Do it.

8. She kept going on about how photography wasn't art.

3. No. I wasn't saying you smell bad. It's musk. It's manly.

4. There's no way that Wolverine could kill the Hulk.

6. A Cadillac is the coolest car ever.

7. What station is this?

8. I am dead.

3. My dad always says - and he's right - that football management is the only profession where failure is consistenly rewarded.

4. You've never even been skiing. How do you know your legs would twist?

6. Venezuela isn't a country, is it?

7. Fair maiden, may I offer you a crisp.

8. If you're certain it's him then you should call the police. It's out of order.

3. I would like to shoot Mel Gibson's dad and then deny it ever happened.

4. Jason and Phillip are also looking to adopt... I think it's really sweet.

6. I heard he cried at his wedding. Can you believe that?

7. Bob Hope used to beat his wife and kids, i swear.

8. Don't be daft - my parents like you. You can't expect them to understand everything you do, they are old.

4. Who cares about Rachel Hunter and Penny Lancaster... no one gives a fuck about Rod Stewart's sex life.

6. Jimmy White... it's hardly a surprise, is it?

7. You see all these idiots in New York Yankee baseball caps. I don't get it. You don't see guys in the Bronx wearing West Ham hats.

8. Guantanamo Bay... it's like a place from Home and Away.